Lessons From Southeast Asia

Vientiane (Laos)
Prachinburi (Thailand)
Siem Riep (Cambodia)
Bangkok (Thailand)
Koh Samui
Krabi
Ray Lai
Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia)
Singapore (Singapore)


Southeast Asia. A conglomerate of small countries fitting together to to create a tourist haven. Whether you're a traditional beach bum, an archaeological Indy wannabe, an extreme sport lover or a bargain bin guru, Southeast Asia can do nothing but tantalize with its crystal clear beaches, overgrown and movie-worthy ruins, picturesque rocks to scale and enough cheap designer goods to send even the most conservative of packers luggage over the airlines maximum weight limit (trust me).
However, this beauty certainly has her share of gas to pass. I learned some lessons here that no school on earth could ever touch. Let's review this little corner of the world so that I can share some tidbits on life. Sort of a 'Anthony's Beef Stroganoff For the Soul.'

Lesson #1: Don't Underestimate A Straw

Growing up I understood that straws were good for two things. Cold beverages and spitballs.

Oh what an ignorant youth.

Andrew and I crossed the border from Thailand into Cambodia and bargained with a driver to take us in his personal vehicle directly to Siem Riep, a four hour drive. We should have negotiated a lower price after seeing his car--which was in more pieces than a grenade victim.

NOTE: Duct Tape is internationally renowned.

After a few failed attempts and muttered curses from the driver the bolt-bucket was started and had us bumping along down the red, dusty Cambodian pothole paradise.
After a couple hours, our tailbones got a much deserved rest when Thunderbird Zero broke down...
One hour later, the driver is still trying to turn the engine over. He fiddles behind the raised hood, tries, re-fiddles, retries. He has me try to jiggle the key and pump the gas whenever he gives a thumbs up from behind the hood.....
No dice.
The broken air-conditioner made the Cambodian jungle especially memorable.
I had nearly given up and was lacing up my walking shoes when the driver came and opened up my door, reached into the seat pocket in front of me and pulled out an ordinary drinking straw.
He closed my door and disappeared once again behind the hood. Andrew and I exchanged confused glances from the backseat. I said, 'Well, it IS one of those cool bendy ones...'
After two minutes behind the hood the driver returned to his seat, turned the key causing the engine to roar to life...

Don't question, just believe.

Lesson #2: Beaches Are Evil

Imagine the finest white sand stretching as far as the eye can see embraced on one side with lush palm trees stretching to a golden sun while the other side is constantly kissed by the never ending waves of the crystal clear ocean water. Your skin is a perfect cinnamon colour as you lay on the sand with the tropical drink of your choice by your side. *sigh* Is this a glimpse of heaven? Or perhaps, is it a fiery breath of hell? I mean, what is unappealing about sleeping until noon, laying on the beach all afternoon, maybe some beach volleyball, a quick dip, the freshest of seafood for dinner and then meeting with new friends to dance until morning?

The problem: you never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to leave.

One of the seven deadly sins is sloth. I think that one of the reasons Jesus himself was perfect is because he lived in the middle of the desert, where the tropical paradise of Thailand was a world away. Good call on his part to come before airplanes.
As you lather on the sunscreen the devil giggles with glee, 'That's right, protect yourself from burning.....for now!!"

Lesson #3: If It's Sunny, Bring An Umbrella

That line belongs in a Hallmark card or something. For emos.
If you don't like the weather in Southeast Asia, wait five minutes. Dangerously blazing heat to flooding streets during the course of a pee-break. This is awesome for when you wake up and its pouring on the morning of your belly dancing limbo contest, but awful when it's gorgeously sunny on the day you promised Bikini Bombshell a volleyball re-match. (God must hate you).
Thank you Andrew for being my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh.

Lesson #4: Fish At Home Is Fake

In Laos when we ordered fish, we got a fish. He looked the same on the plate as he did in the water. Fins, tail, bones and big glossy eyeballs that still had that look of sheer frying-pan panic in them.
You order fish at home... and you get a cube.
Cubed is a sure sign of enhancement, and 'enhancement' is a code word for fake. Sugar has been cubed, potatoes are cubed for fries, water is cubed for ice, even the Nintendo has been cubed!!! Arrrggghhh! Must we destroy everything!?!
You know where cubing comes from? Math. To the power of three. If you see the connection you can also see that math will ultimately be humanity's downfall. Save the trees kids, don't do your homework. My advice: stay away from Life to the power of three...
<sup>I was upset about this fish reality for awhile but was forced to get over it when I realized that our fish are about as real as our women.


Lesson #5: Elephants Are Mans Best Friend

Andrew and I rode an elephant through the jungle to a temple near Angkor Wat. Don't ever believe the Disneyfied, wussy version of what an elephant is in 'Dumbo.' They don't cry. They don't fly, and although they may drink, their size and weight must mean that it would take more than a few trunkfulls for the pink elephants on parade.
These guys are built Ford Tough. They put out the Energizer Bunny in stamina, James Bond in stealth and can out fart and out poop a fat man on a pizza diet (trust me).
The king at Angkor Wat used to watch wild elephants duel to the death on his veranda. Elephants have helped build civilizations, religions, they are a transportation wonder, and EVERY elephant is well-hung.... I'm talking about the trunk you sicko.
Dogs are old news, I want an elephant for a pet.

Lesson #6: Sand Castle Buckets Are Versatile

Bucket drinks.

Alleluia.

The end.

Lesson #7: Don't Dance With The Over-Eager

Full moon party on the beach. The drinks are flowing and the music is blaring. I'm on the dance floor. Being surrounded by guys whose bodies make mine look like a piece of spaghetti, I found it odd that three girls made eye contact with me and made a V-line in my direction, then proceeded to dance around me. The prettiest one takes control with her hands around my neck and starts moving to the music. The other two were shaking it on either side of me. Having been travelling for a while at this point, I'm constantly on guard and having been in this body for 22 years I know that this stuff just does not happen to me. Red flag.
It was soon all crystal clear when I felt the hands of the other two girls skimming along my wallet pocket while the pretty one tried to keep me focused on her.
Tricky. But not sneaky enough. I removed the girls hands from around my neck, thanked them for the dance and told them that my wallet was back in the safe at my hostel. Surrounded by land mines.
Point spaghetti boy.

Lesson #8: Don't Dance With ANYONE

It wasn't long after the three thieves that I was approached by another girl who genuinely seemed to want to dance. As the dance progressed this girl got closer and closer, and, being spoken for I keep stepping back to maintain a friendly distance. As she approaches again a chap dancing beside me leans in and yells over the music in a thick Irish accent, 'Hey mate, my buddy was just dancing with that one, we're pretty sure it's a dude.'

'................................'

I went to get another drink.



The thorns on the Southeast Asian rose. Floods, perfect beaches, thieves and she-males.

NOTE: This is where Andrew gives me a big pat on the back and says, 'It's all a part of the experience right?'

This is where I pour my drink over Andrew and go to bed.

Keep Smiling!
Anthony</sup>