Lusaka
New Delhi (India)
Mumbai
Igatpuri
Never in a million years did I think I would ever find myself sitting cross-legged on a pillow in a Buddhist pagoda, high in the mountains at 4:30 AM meditating. Et voila.
See, one day once upon a time on this boat in the Amazon my brother met some girl from France who knew someone whose father's uncle's chiropractor's daughter did this course somewhere in India and is now apparently perfectly harmonious.
So, here I am. Trying to achieve inner peace... with a mosquito doing irritating revolutions around my head.
Rule #17 of the meditation course: "Do not kill any beings." Even mosquitoes.
The only thing I'm getting out of this so far is that I know to never let Andrew talk to girls on boats ever again. In fact when we get back, I'm sending him to a boat-less seminary. Or, maybe I could just leave him here, I'm sure the Buddhists could find room....
The ten-day Vipassana course is designed to help you look at your deep rooted desires through meditation and uproot them. They believe that craving is the source of misery. For the entire ten days you are not allowed to talk (no voicing, gestures, eye contact, SMS, morse code, pigeon messengers, e-mail or telepathy). They also ask you to turn in your cameras, mobile phones, books, writing materials and even your mp3 players (I really don't know just HOW they intend on achieving peace without a little daily Jack Johnson...."Oh, can't you see that it's just raaaiiining, there ain't no need to go outside...." *sigh* Man, I feel peaceful just writing that...)
Needless to say the course demanded a little will-power. Not so much the 'I'm going to stick to my diet today' will power..., I'm talking 'Braveheart' meets 'Passion of the Christ' reckless unrelenting drive. (Whoa, two Mel Gibson flicks... that guy must have been to one of these courses!)
The daily schedule was as follows:
| 4:00 am | Morning wake-up bell | |
| 4:30-6:30 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room | |
| 6:30-8:00 am | Breakfast break | |
| 8:00-9:00 am | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 9:00-11:00 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions | |
| 11:00-12:00 noon | Lunch break | |
| 12noon-1:00 pm | Rest and interviews with the teacher | |
| 1:00-2:30 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your room | |
| 2:30-3:30 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 3:30-5:00 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions | |
| 5:00-6:00 pm | Tea break | |
| 6:00-7:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 7:00-8:15 pm | Teacher's Discourse in the hall | |
| 8:15-9:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall | |
| 9:00-9:30 pm | Question time in the hall | |
| 9:30 pm | Retire to your own room--Lights out |
My personal schedule sort of went more as follows:
4:00 am - Wake up bell. I realize that even the sun is still asleep and consider shooting the bell-man. Decide that it would be very un-Buddhist.
4:30-6:00 am - Meditation--In the form of dreams. After I fell back asleep.
6:00 am - Wake up, meditate on the meaning of my dreams. Specifically why I keep showing up as a Care-Bear.
6:30 - 8:00 am - Line up for gruel. Eat gruel. Try not to crave three strips of bacon with scrambled eggs and freshly squeezed orange juice - because cravings are the source of all unhappiness.
8:00 - 9:00 am - Meditate on orange juice.
9:00 - 10:00 am - Listen to the teachers instructions. Along with his chanting.
10:00 - 11:00 am - Meditate on whether the chanting is really necessary. Especially from a teacher who sounds like Darth Vader after swallowing a dying frog with Tuberculosis.
11:00 - 12:00 am - Line up for gruel. Eat gruel. Contemplate that scene from 'The Matrix' where they all have a plate full of human boogers and compare them to 'tasty wheat'.... I realize that I would have betrayed them all too to get back to the matrix.... (hey, I never said I was the hero in this story...)
12:00 - 1:00 pm - Interview with the teacher. I ask him why he wears a black mask and hates the Rebel Alliance.
1:00 pm - Meditate in hall.
1:04 pm - Anthony gets tired of meditating. Starts to contemplate life: 'If caterpillars turn into beautiful butterflies, what do poo-eating earth worms turn into......?
Pigeons.
(Which, by the way, are following me around the world! They just seem to be everywhere!! They also happen to be the one animal I despise. Tricky little vermins. They scare the crap out of me!! Then proceed to consume the crap I have provided! THAT'S why they are following me! It's a disastrous cycle.
In Egypt pigeon in a common item on the menu in most restaurants. Andrew got one while we were there and I giggled throughout the whole meal...'one more down baby,....one more down!')
2:30 - 3:30 pm - During this hour we were to keep our eyes closed, sit up straight and not move for the entire 60 minutes. I started to call it the 'Hour of Power.' After about 45 minutes in, it feels like you're laying on a bed of nails, that also happens to be on fire.
3:30 - 5:00 pm - The Hour of Power usually drained me mentally and physically, so I spent this time translating popular rap songs into French.
Eminem - "Fesse comme ça!"
50 Cent - "Magasin de bonbons!"
Rihanna - "Parapluie"
Snoop Dog - "Comme C'est Chaud!"
JT & 50 Cent - "Et oh! Technologie!"
5:00 - 6:00 pm - Indian Chai and bananas. The best part of Anthony's day. Good thing nobody can talk to him on this break, because he wouldn't listen anyways. He's lost in a world with caramel waterfalls, dancing lollipops and Beach Boys vinyl. This is heaven for him. (Why am I talking about myself in third person?!? And who are the other two people before the third person? I've heard of 'first person,' but who in heaven's name is 'second person?' This is so stupid...) REALLY good chai.
6:00 pm - Meditation in hall.
6:07 pm - Once again my thoughts flutter to which Disney character would win in an all-out fight and should rule Disneyland. Who would win between Aladdin and Tarzan? I got completely stuck when I tried to put Peter Pan up against Mulan. I mean, Mulan is pretty tough, plus she's got bonus Asian points. Peter Pan however, has pixie dust and levitation. Tough call. I think Peter's immaturity might be his downfall and the Chinese army will march through Neverland.
7:00 - 8:15 pm - Story time with the teacher. 'A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...'
8:15 - 9:00 pm - Group meditation. (My conscience got the better of me and I participated.)
9:00 - 9:30 pm - Question time with the instructors. My teacher doesn't think that Peter Pan and Mulan is 'relevant.'
9:30 pm - Set booby trap for morning bellman and fall asleep in 2.00875 seconds. Meditation is hard work.
There ya have it, my experience was something between George Orwell's '1984' and Brad Pitt's 'Seven Years In Tibet.' Both of which not only create something crazy and make it extremely well, but are also quite insightful. The course was hard, but everything difficult usually comes with its share of rewards.
Even though around the seventh day I was seriously debating giving up my moral upbringing for some Tropicana.
I'll also never forget the day that during the Hour of Power we were all on our cushions, eyes closed in the hall, birds chirping outside... Then in the nearby town comes the long, loud drone of an air-raid siren! My only experience with these so far is in the movies. They always sound when something really bad is about to happen. I stayed seated with my eyes closed as I was supposed to, expecting the teacher to tell us to run for cover soon.... Nope.
Nothing.
The siren grew louder and I realized that maintaining a 'peaceful state of mind' was out of the question. Was nobody else hearing this?! I began to sweat. The anticipation strangling me. At the end of my wit--I broke the rules and opened one eye to peek around the room. It was a perfect picture of serenity. All the students sitting on the floor with perfect posture, eyes closed and peaceful. The sun was pouring in through the window.
What do I do?!?! Sit it out like them?! Do they know something I don't? Or do I follow my gut instinct and run out of the pagoda screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!!"
I sat.
It was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. I had won the victory over myself. I loved Big Brother.
Keep Smiling!
Anthony
There will not be a Hindi lesson today. If you crave one, you are miserable.
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