Arusha (Tanzania)
Dar Es Salaam
Lusaka (Zambia)
Livingstone
One of the most vivid images I will return home with from this trip is that of two lions whose faces are completely soaked in blood while ripping the intestines from the side of a dead water buffalo.
(All the girls reading this are thinking: "Ewwwww. Don't be gross!"
Al the guys: "Coooooooooooool!!!!")
Welcome to the Serengeti, Africa's largest wild game park. Home to lions, cheetahs, elephants, zebras, giraffes, hippos, impalas and water buffalo's. (Note: Population slowly decreasing...)
The African Safari was designed for everyone who has ever been to a zoo and wanted to jump inside the cages. (Somebody tell me if that desire isn't universal...)
DAY 1
We piled inside of our safari jeep (which kind of looked as if a military jeep and the Punisher van had a baby...)
(All the girls reading this are thinking: " ............................................"
All the guys: "Cooooooooooool!!!!!")
We met our three new friends from Sweden (who allowed the two of us to tag along on their safari making it $200 cheaper for everyone! This inspired me to come up with a new slogan for them: "Sweden, not just good for chocolate!" Wait.......that's Switzerland isn't it?......um.....how about.......no, that won't work......oh!.............nah...............oh forget it:
"Sweden: It's a good place!")
We were then off to the endless plains of the Serengeti. On our way our guide was telling us of all the animals we would probably see. I was holding out for a triceratops....
It wasn't on the list.
He told us we might see some hippos (I wrote 'hippos' because I don't know the plural for 'hippopotamus....' Hippopotamususes? Hippopotami?). He also told us to be careful because Hippos are the cause of more human casualties than any other animal on the Serengeti.
I asked if he brought a shotgun...just in case.
He said no....
Should have paid that extra $200...
Once in the Serengeti we saw tons of zebra, impala, some giraffe, and family of baboons and a hippo. This guy was even walking around! Have you ever seen a hippo out of the water?! Man, no wonder they're violent! I'd be cranky too if I was that ugly. Imagine a huge, overweight, hairless hamster. This must be why they hide in the water all day.
We drove a few hundred meters from the hippo and our guide stopped the jeep and said "OK, let's pitch the tent for the night!"
..........."'scuse me!? Here!?! That two-ton chunk of death is 300 meters away and you want me to put up a cloth defence? Where's my steel-plated armoured bunker? With barbed wire, guard dogs and trained sniper on the roof?........
............Oh, right.....$200."
PS. Our camera broke on day one. Imagine that feeling you get when you're two years old and the ice cream falls off your cone into the sand. Then your dog eats it. Then your dog dies. Here's hoping that people from Sweden are as good as the place....
DAY 2
In the morning we see the previously mentioned pair of lions feasting on their buffalo-bacon breakfast. My hatred for digital cameras grows.
Then we saw a cheetah. As soon as we saw it I remembered this clip from the Discovery channel of a cheetah flying down the plains and taking down an Impala with the speed and grace of a fighter jet!
This was going to be SO coooooool!
So we sat and watched. He sat. We sat. Waited. Waited. One loooong bloody hour. He only got up once to move two feet forward and lay down again.
I'm SO a 'dog person.'
Still holding out for a triceratops.
DAY 2 NIGHT:
There was something outside of our tent!! I'm not talking '200 hundred yards away so we can watch his silhouette glide across the night in the moonlight from the safety of our bunker....' I mean I was awakened by the sound of breathing inches away from my face on the other side of the fabric!! Andrew suggested I go out and peek around the tent to see what it was.
"Sure man, because I'm sure that it's written on my forehead that 'I want to be breakfast!'"
(At this moment I couldn't shake the image of buffalo intestines from my head....)
My heart slowed down when I heard the sound of grass being ripped up and loud chewing. This very second in time elevated herbivores to a new seat of honor in my mind. In the morning our guide said it was a herd of water buffalo. That was the morning that the bacon for breakfast was particularly good.
DAY 3
We saw some rhinos (rhinoseri?). These guys are pretty powerful. Kind of like a sumo wrestler.... with a machete.....and no loin cloth....
We also saw a herd of elephants. It is said that this animal never forgets. How wonderful! Incredibly useful for remembering names, anniversaries, birthdays, alibis... I can imagine it would equally be a curse, knowing full well that there are just some images you wish you could forget.... like naked machete wielding sumo wrestlers.
The safari ended and we headed back to Arusha. No triceratops.
We spent Easter weekend there and then after a hike to see Mt. Kilimanjaro that failed due to the clouds from this thing they call 'rainy season' in African.... So we returned to Dar Es Salaam where the translation was made clear with the biggest flood the city has ever seen.
Flooded streets, cars 3/4 of the way submerged, three-ton hairless hamsters floating by....(Jumanji 2: In theaters this fall). When the water started creeping up the steps of our hostel, I started making paper boats as a back-up plan. People laughed, shook their heads, called me 'crazy.'
That's exactly what they called Noah.
By the time the water reached the doorway I had a fleet.
Stuck in the hostel that night is where I met Jesus. Actually his name was Brian, but he looked the part so well that we nicknamed him 'The Carpenter.'
After the waters died down (which I attribute to meeting Jesus...) he joined us on our 48 hour train ride into Zambia. If you ever take that trip, bring a book..... Or the Dead Sea Scrolls. The most fun was when you stopped in little villages and people would come up to your window to sell you things. At one stop there was a group of kids that we tried to convince that Jesus had just appeared to them.
They just asked for money.
Brian:"I bring you something far greater than money!"
Kid:"Do you play football?"
NOTE: In Canada and America they call this 'soccor.' The rest of the world however sees the logic in calling it Foot-ball.
Then came one of my favorite quotes of the trip:
Brian: "Jesus does not play football."
I told the kids that Jesus was more of a weight-lifter....
They didn't get it.
The Zambia/Zimbabwe border is home to one of the natural wonders of the world: The Victoria Falls. The only place we've come across where you can experience a water flow of that magnitude without crossing your fingers and praying to whatever god you pray to as your barrel careens down the edge...
Honestly, there's something to be said for the beauty of the untouchable.
Every time I see something of such thundering magnitude I feel like I have to get closer to it to really enjoy it. And closer. Then I want to jump in to see what it really feels like! (I'm alone in this desire too aren't I.....? Random thought: Maybe suicidals are just so in awe of the beauty of the view from on top of the building.....)
At Victoria Falls you can walk on an island directly in front of the face of the falls. Here there is such a massive amount of mist that rises from the falls that it comes down in sheets onto this island. It feels as though it's pouring rain but you can look up to see a cloudless blue sky!
Note: Rain gear is available to rent for people who like to be lame.
Life wish: To experience a massive, majestic waterfall without also experiencing death. I think this is about as close as it comes! Check mark.
Lesson of the day: Do not wear your money belt with all your cash and your passport onto that island....
Unless you as well want a beautiful painting when the ink from all the stamps bleeds together into one multicultural puddle. The way I see it: it's my first step in creating a world without borders.
Keep Smiling!
Anthony
Swahili lesson for the day: "Epesi, epsi, imara.
"Faster, Higher, Stronger."
(Appropriately, the slogan of the Olympics, also happens to be the motto of survival for the African people.)
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