The Bible: Revised Hoffman Edition

Cairo
Dahab
Wadi Musa (Jordan)
Petra
Neweiba (Egypt)

So, I think the last time we let you know where we were was in the Ukraine... and if it wasn't for fear of an oncoming heart attack-causing, artery-clogging, obesity-inducing pyrogy binge, we might still be there. Instead, we flew to Greece.

I was all prepared to have me a blast with some summer lovin' until someone on the plane told me that John Travolta doesn't even LIVE there! ... Lame.
I got really confused when he started talking about some thunder hurling 'Zeus' guy instead. Same deal... Grease'd lightning right?! Duh.

In Athens we ate Greek pitas, threw oranges off cliffs at midnight (you get no details), walked in the footsteps of Socrates (well, Andrew walked... I sort of tripped...), ran on the 2004 Olympic track (away from security guards) and scaled the Acroplois to the Perthenon.

I didn't see Hercules anywhere... Apparently he was long gone years ago.
Some hero... Go the distance indeed. No Travolta, no Hercules... let's go to Egypt.

Ah, Egypt. We've been here about two and a half weeks and I must have forgotten what the Bible warned me about this place...

The 10 Plagues Of Egypt

Egypt is great-if you're a local. Or part of an organized tour that keeps interaction to a minimum, but for backpackers, chances of survival are about as likely as trying to get an ice cream cone across a burning hot desert full of fat kids who haven't eaten in 17 hours... One of the following plagues is bound to pounce you leaving you dead or letting you hobble out of the country with no arms or toes left...

First Plague: Pollution

There are 22 million people in Cairo and I would bet that every single one of them owns a car. Or two. Nobody walks here. Not even for exercise. That's because going for a walk would be about as healthy as sucking on an exhaust pipe. I now know why the city is surrounded by desert: there is no possible way for vegetation to survive within a twenty mile radius. The layer of smog over the city is more impressive than those pyramid-thingys. The new man-made wonder of the world! Woohoo-*coughcough*

Second Plague: Smoking

As if the pollution wasn't enough for the Egyptians. These guys must be on some sort of race to the grave or something. You've heard the cliche phrase: "That guy smokes like a chimney" Well, Egyptians smoke like a 12-tonne Chinese factory stack. That's on fire. They smoke like most people breathe. I didn't know until I came here that all of the ancient Pharohs actually died of lung cancer.

Third Plague: Camels

Camels seem like pretty graceful animals. On TV you see them peacefully gliding across the sand as the sun sets in the Sahara. I mean that short guy at the beginning of 'Aladdin' seemed pretty content with his beast of burden. What an amazing actor. I mean that cartoon guy should get an Oscar for his performance because he made me oblivious of the truth: camels are evil. Riding them is a trip through hell. I think I'd be more comfortable wearing a 10-Kg backpack riding a bicycle with no seat into a cactus. I mean, I'm not gay, but I think I know how it feels now. Some animals are just not meant to be ridden. Like sharks. And squirrils. And Alice the camel.

Fourth Plague: Friendly Locals

I have never met more friendly, outgoing people than the Egyptians. They always want to know your name, where you're from, they want to sit you down and give you tea-anything that will get you remotely close to thier shop where they can sell you the most beautiful useless junk you've ever seen. Smart, 'friendly' businessmen who thrive on stupid, confused tourists.
Now, I wouldn't mind walking down the market and having one or two people start a shallow conversation to get me into their shop. That's capitalism. But try walking down a market street when Every, Single, one of them is as stubborn as that ancient grandma that just won't die. That's anarchy. All to sell you a bottle of perfume, papyrus paintings and little dust-collecting model pyramids that look like the ones I made out of Play-Dough when I was five. What am I supposed to do with those anyways? Throw it? Look at it? At least the Play-Dough ones you can eat...(sort of).

Fifth Plague: Canada Dry

One of the questions these prentend-hospitable vendors will ask you is where you come from. Somewhere, some unwritten Egyptian rule was established that if the tourist answers 'Canada' they must grin and say "Canada Dry."

I don't get it either.

They all say this. It's sort of funny. The FIRST time. But in a city of 22 million people where every one of them asks the question and then answers 'Canada Dry,' it makes Canadians want to throw the next can of ginger ale they see into a volcano. Apparently it was a saying that circualted among the locals giving birth to this charming saying:
"No hash, no rash, no women no cry,
no beer no fear, Egyptian shy but Canada Dry."

I don't get it either.

I started telling people I was from Alaska.

Sixth Plague: Traffic

The official languages of Egypt are Arabic and a local dialect of Car-horn. 22 Million people and no enforced traffic laws. Let's just say that the cab driver who's taxi I was in last did more for my faith than seeing the pope in Rome.

Seventh Plague: High Dam

High Dam was comleted in 1976 to help control the flooding of the Nile every year and to provide electricity to almost the entire country. It's also a bit of a scam. If you want to go see the Plilae Temple in Luxor, they first take you to High Dam as part of an inescapable 'packag deal' where you pay to drive onto the dam, get out of the van, look at the road and leave. The dam isn't even high... It's about as exciting as licking wallpaper. The only reason this is worth mentioning is that it has taken the title of 'Worst Attraction' seen so far on this trip. Gold Medal. I also gave Andrew a tour of the place: "After this Dam Tour, we will be stopping by the Dam Gift Shop where you can buy some Dam souvenirs for a special dam price..."

Eighth Plague: Tips

People say that nothing in the world is free. In Egypt you can't even get a smile without the person giving the smile expecting a tip. 'Basheesh' in Arabic. Foreigners are, after all, walking dollar signs. You'd think that the Tourist Police would crack down on how bad this problem is, but they are the worst ones.
I was looking at a statue in the Memphis Museum and a nearby security guard motioned for me to take a look all the way around statue, to get a good 360 degree look. I did so, finding his interest rather kind, but when I go closer, he pointed at some heiroglyphs, said two words about them, I'm not even sure it was in english, and then extended his hand expecting a tip for his useless information. These guys will create opportunities for you to owe them, and sell kindness. I took his hand and shook it, thanking him sincerely for nothing.

Ninth Plague: The Holy Mountain

Mount Sinai, the birthplace of the Ten Commandments. Today used as a tourist bootcamp. I think that climbing that mountain has been one of the hardest physical challenges of the trip so far. First, they only organize trips up at night so that the soldiers-I mean, tourists can watch the sunrise from the top. There are no streetlights in the desert... and our guide didn't feel like bringing a flashlight. So my life experience list now includes walking up a slippery gravel mountain slope in complete darkness. From now on, everything in life will be a piece of cake. There were some Bedouins on the side of the road offering camel rides up..... no comment. Also, people don't joke when they say that it gets cold at night in the desert. I didn't think it would rival the surface of the moon. I'm sure with the wind chill we're talking North Pole-ish temperatures. I was dreaming of the beautiful, tropical -40 degree weather back home... Not to mention that this wind is stronger than the average elephant. If you didn't hold on it could send you off the edge. Remember: 'Thou shalt not covet wings.'

Tenth Plague: Belly Dancers

I think this is the grossest thing I have ever seen. No body was ever meant to move like that. This was one of the only times I have been mesmerized and disgusted at the same time. I can only describe the sensation as follows: imagine someone biting into his own hand. He then adds a little salt for flavour and continues to gnaw away. It's sick, but I bet you'd keep watching. It only got worse whe she pulled Andrew from the crowd to teach him some moves. Then, tired of him, she asks me to kiss her... Thanks but no. Then came a male dancer in a colorful dress and a swirling midget...

I swear I only had water to drink that night. I think that fact actually makes the situation worse...

Let's go to Morocco.

OK, we'll settle for Jordan. Then Morocco.

Keep Smiling!
Anthony

Ps. The Pyramids are beautiful.

Arabic Lesson for the day:
مي نمي إس مدللا كرفزنق. ي أم فرم زمببوي. ي دنعت وأنت ا بيرمد ببرويقه. "
"My name is Medulla Karefzing. I am from Zimbabwe. I don't want a pyramid paperweight"